The Latest News Divorce

Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) is quickly becoming one of the most popular methods for resolving legal disputes. Instead of pursuing a lengthy trial that is expensive and can result in an outcome with which nobody is happy, ADR offers more efficient options for settling disputes. One of the more common ADR methods is mediation.

What is Mediation?
Mediation is a way to settle a dispute without litigation. It involves the disputing parties and a neutral third-party mediator. Often, disputes are settled in as little as a single mediation session, which might last only a few hours. Disputing parties have complete control of the resolution and the mediator is there only to ensure the resolution is legal and that the parties use effective communication and remain focused on resolution. Essentially, the mediator facilitates discussion so disputing parties can resolve a problem. If disputing parties believe they will need additional support during the mediating process, they have the option of choosing collaborative mediation. Like basic mediation, this process is efficient and keeps the control in the hands of the disputing parties, but it provides them with the support of a team of experts that offer counsel during the process. Each party can have his or her own legal representation, and other professional experts might also play a role in the process, including those familiar with financial, psychological, or real estate issues.

What are the Benefits of Collaborative Mediation?
In general, mediation is beneficial because it saves time and money. Collaborative mediation offers these benefits, but it is a better solution when cases are complex or when disputing parties are uncomfortable making legal decisions without sufficient resources. Collaborative mediation is solution oriented with the party’s needs and desires dictating a resolution. Although the parties may be represented by attorneys this is not an adversarial process but again a solution oriented process. For instance, if decisions are to be made during mediation about splitting marital property and the mediator is not an expert in real estate law, collaborative mediation allows an attorney or a real estate expert to provide information during the mediation process. Collaborative mediation is especially helpful during divorce proceedings because there are so many sensitive issues at play. Approximately 40% of divorcing couples are parents and just as concerned about the well-being of their children, as they are for their own. As parents you will always be connected in some fashion to the father or mother of your children. Both Mediation and Collaborative mediation help salvage a working relationship between the parties and provide the tools to go forward in the future. Divorce proceedings include a variety of issues and having expert advice from various fields helps make the decision-making process easier. According to Divorce Magazine, the average length of divorce proceedings is one year. Mediation can shorten this transition period, making it possible for families to move forward and begin their new lives. If you are involved in a legal dispute and you believe traditional litigation will do more harm than good, mediation is an option. Collaborative mediation provides a way to settle a dispute efficiently, but without the uncertainty you might feel using basic mediation.

The preamble of this article interestingly points out that society is set up to support and satisfy business interests but not family interests; so when two people come together in a marriage, although they have each other, they many times face the problems of the world without much support from society. 

Researchers have studied marriages for decades to figure out what works to keep a couple together for the long hall.  They have found these 7 factors outlined in this article to be essential for a happy long term marriage:

The first thing that a relationship really needs is a strong foundation. It is suggested that starts with a good friendship.  Although your primary relationship should be one of your primary friendships, it should not be your only friendship.  Like plants and trees in nature, people need space to grow in the sun and flourish.

Successful relationships often demonstrate that the individuals are truly in a successful partnership where they always have each other’s back and are always supportive of one another.  They share successes, they share disappointments, but more importantly, they support one another when there is a problem.  As termed in the article, it’s not “codependency”, but “interdependency”.  Being consistent and empathetic with each other are required for a truly successful partnership. 

What  most people don’t realize is that optimism and positivity are essential to succeed in any avenue in life.  This is especially true in a committed, primary relationship.  Being optimistic and positive enables a person and/or a couple or partnership to face conflict and problems and to come up with problem solving  strategies that are creative.  Practicing gratitude and being grateful for all aspects of the person in your life and having empathy for their circumstances and the things they are going through in life, in addition to your own, really fortifies the relationship.  It’s like the infrastructure that creates a strong foundation.  Think of it as steel used to reinforce concrete. 

How do you manage stress?  How do you as a couple manage stress?  Stress is a very big factor in life and it comes in all forms.  Plus, no one is immune.  Everyone has stress in their life, in one form or another.  How we individually and as a couple face stress and adversity can affect the health of a relationship. 

I found this article to be a very introspective read with some great points on what we should all pay attention to in our relationships.   Let me know your thoughts about the items outlined in this article.  I’ve only touched on a few.

Selected excerpt(s) and linked article courtesy of Virginia Pelley, Fatherly.com
Royalty-free photo courtesy of UnSplash

For many, divorce is an earth shattering, life-changing experience.  This article discusses this individual person’s perspective on six things she felt, in retrospect, that people should do after being divorced and before starting a new relationship.  

I like her suggestion of going away alone and spending some quality time with yourself.  This will help someone get perspective and restart/reboot themselves.  As important is having some quality one on one downtime with your children.

Spring cleaning, not only removing your ex’s items from your home, but also possibly refreshing some of your rooms with a new look or style will give you a fresh take moving forward.

Selected excerpt(s) and linked article courtesy of Katie Bingham-Smith, ScaryMommy.com
Royalty-free photo courtesy of UnSplash

When getting serious in a relationship, do you look ahead at the possibility of divorce? Do you examine this relationship to really determine if it is right or good for you? Do you ignore red flags when they come up?

This article highlights some easy steps and things you can do to ensure the strength and health of your relationship with your significant other.  In today’s hectic and busy world where everyone has a hand held device that many are glued and/or tied to, it is important to take time and make room for “quality time” in your relationship.  That does not mean sitting together in a room while you are both on a device, not paying attention to one another.  It means spending quality time that creates the foundation of your relationship.  Actually having meaningful conversations daily.

In this article, Dr. Skylar, a PhD a licensed marriage and family therapist, says teamwork is an essential ingredient for the sustainability of a long-term relationship.  Allowing partners to cultivate shared relationship goals and creating a meaningful shared life.  One of the simplest ways is to sit down and truly have a meal together.  That does not mean that you eat in the same room while watching tv and/or playing on your electronic device.  It means having a meal together, sharing and actually talking with one another; having an actual conversation.  Something as simple as making time to go to bed at the same time.  This doesn’t have to end in an intimate sexual interlude; but could be simply cuddling before one goes to sleep and saying goodnight and I love you before going off to sleep.

This is a great read on some simple steps about how to make your relationship stronger and healthier. 

Selected excerpt(s), photo and linked article courtesy of Jenn Sinrich of Martha Stewart Weddings and Erika Brown Photography.

How do you get through a divorce and have your “family” survive?  More people have begun to understand that divorce does not have to be a total destruction of a family.  There is a better way.  Navigating your divorce through mediation or the collaborative process is the first step which leads to a future that mends the family.  Collaborative divorce gives a family the additional support to make choices that will benefit everyone.

Selected excerpt(s), photo and linked article courtesy of Wendy Smith Baruc, Mother.ly

According to the US Census Bureau, couples marrying today have a 50% chance of their marriage ending in divorce. Many of these marriages are between parents and 40% of children will be affected by divorce before reaching adulthood.

When couples with children divorce, their first priority is often the well-being of the children. Sometimes, unhappy couples even choose to stay together because they believe it is the best thing for their children. When a separation or divorce is the best option for the family, effort should be made to protect the most vulnerable members of the family. What can you do to protect your children when you separate from or divorce your partner?

Transition Phase
The process of divorce is stressful for the entire family, but it can be easier if it is handled well. Couples have the option of working together to alter their existing relationship. The inclination during a divorce is to “get rid of your partner” or pay him or her back for any perceived wrongs. Unfortunately, especially for the children, this causes more harm than good in the long run.

During your divorce or separation, do your best to protect your children by working with your soon-to-be-ex to devise an arrangement that is best for everyone. Try to be fair and try not to let your emotional wounds affect your child’s relationship with his or her parent. When possible, avoid a lengthy legal battle.

Custody and Visitation
Protecting your child from harm should be your first priority. If your soon-to-be-former partner has behaved in a manner that put your child at risk, you have every right to protect your child in the future. However, there is a difference between a child being at risk and a child spending time with someone whom you are upset or angry with. Just because your partner hurt you should not mean your child will benefit from estrangement from his or her parent. Do not put your child in the middle of any dispute or discord with your spouse or partner.

Working together to create a custody or visitation arrangement that helps your child feel comfortable and supported is the healthiest type of transition for a child. If he or she is old enough to discuss custody or visitation, take his or her feelings into account when creating an arrangement. Ideally, children will feel just as loved and supported after a separation or divorce as they did when the family was intact.

Finally, speak with your child about responsibility. It is important for children to understand they did nothing to cause the break up of the family.

No matter your personal situation, your children should be protected from the changes in your relationship with your significant other. Working with an experienced family lawyer helps you transition to separation or divorce with as little turmoil as possible. Share your concerns about your child’s safety and well-being with your attorney and he or she can help you determine the steps to take to protect your child.

If you have a legal situation concerning your family and are in need of help, call 631-277-8844 today for a no obligation initial consultation and personal service.

Source:
http://www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/statistics

This is the relationship advice therapists want couples to keep top of mind.  Although every couple and their circumstances are different, it appears that there is some common universal marriage advice given by therapists.

Avoiding conflict often creates further conflict down the road.  So, don't be afraid to face conflict and explore it...it will be much more productive.  It's also important to stay curious and ask questions.  In other words, be interested in your partner’s life...what is important to them and what is going on in their lives?

One of the points is very interesting.  Therapists seem to believe that all arguments that we may have with one another boil down to one essential element:  basically wanting or needing to be sure that our partner will be there for us.  What needs are we really expressing through these conflicts and arguments?  Discovering that can ultimately bring a more intimate and binding connection. 

Selected excerpt(s) and linked article courtesy of Jeremy Brown, Fatherly(dot)com
Royalty-free photo courtesy of Pixabay

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This article talks about the film Marriage Story, which has some very on point dramatizations of what can happen in real life.  Divorce is hard enough, but when a couple thinks that this can be very simple and easy and should not cost us anything to get divorced, they are many times proven drastically wrong.  Even when a couple starts out with the premise that they feel there is not a lot to fight over, if they get involved in a litigated divorce, things become positional very early on and many times the couple are oceans away from where they originally started…thinking that they could do this simply, either by a difference of opinion or a perceived breach of trust, or a multitude of many other reasons.  This is why Mediation and the Collaborative process is so vital and important.  These processes are based on and revolve around the clients and their communications and trying to keep things on a settlement track from beginning to end. 

The other fallacies that most people don’t realize is that no matter what you do or which path you take, divorce does not come for free.  There are legal implications that are imposed by the Courts and paperwork that is required as well as filing fees.  This paperwork, although the Court has a do it yourself section, is very difficult for a lay person to actually accomplish.  Therefore, you need the assistance of a professional, to not only navigate the process of divorce, but to get the paper work done correctly.  One thing is for sure, using an alternative method like Collaborative Divorce or Mediation is much more cost effective than litigation and as I like to say, in these methods the parties never go to Court, only their paperwork does.

Selected excerpt(s), photo and linked article courtesy of Elle Hunt, The Guardian; & Netflix/Guardian Design Team